Top Rages - December 1998
Disclaimer:
First of all, I just print the Rages as I gets 'em, with minor editing to protect the Rager's identity -- if requested -- and to clean up the language if it's necessary.
Secondly, I don't judge the people that write the Rages, nor do I share any of their opinions or any apparant bias they may display toward any particular group or members of any society -- once again, I only print 'em as I gets 'em.
With that in mind, let's go...
Top Rage for December 1998...
As we race ever faster toward the holiday season I am reminded of all the bullshit I will soon have to endure from family and strangers alike. Pushy shoppers, rude cashiers and cranky, disgusting relatives who blow cigarette smoke in your face and constantly remind you about how much better you have it compared to when they were growing up.
"You
kids today are so ungrateful. You should appreciate that pack of
Nicorette gum I got you -- you little bastard. Why in my day, we
didn't get gifts for Christmas. We just got to shovel snow and
..."
...yadda, freakin' yadda, freakin' yadda.
Stupid
Uncle Bob -- Christmas 1997
and here's a classic...
"When
I was your age, kids were
seen and not heard. Now shut yer yap and fetch your Uncle's
Marlboro's and get your old Auntie another Budweiser."
Idiotic
Aunt Martha -- Christmas 1975, 1976, 1977. I'm sure she would
have said the same damn thing in 1978 had she not died of lung
cancer the previous summer.
Life wasn't all that horrible growing up. Even though I may yet die early from lung cancer caused by an overload of second hand smoke , there were some good times too. Like the time my sister -- 6 years old at the time -- opened a gift that was supposed to be for my mom. What a hoot...
...after carefully navigating the flimsy wrapping paper that my Granny had saved from the burn pile for the 12th Christmas in a row -- each year covering a progressively smaller and smaller package -- she holds up this enormous pair of light pink, ugly-ass, women's control top panties, and gives a tentative, "Um, uh, thanks Gran..."
Granny looks up and says, "Oh, Your wel... shit! Granny put the wrong goddamn tag on that one!! Don't worry honey. give the panties to your Mommy, and fetch Granny's cigarettes while she finds your real gift."
Needless to say, my brother and I were laughing so hard we nearly pissed ourselves. Soon after, my sister started crying and we got in trouble -- as usual -- and had to deal with a rare Christmas Day ass whooping.
Ah, those wonderful Holiday memories.
How about the time Granny volunteered to clean up the dining room after Christmas dinner one year while the rest of us retired to the family room to begin digesting our share of the feast.
We had just started to relax, when all of a sudden an enormous CRASH emanated from the dining room. Naturally, we all got real curious and ran as fast as our bloated bodies would take us to see what the hell had happened. As soon as we rounded the corner we saw the dining room table in 3 separate pieces on the floor in front of Gran. "Jesus... I didn't do anything. It just fell apart! Really!"
According to her the whole damned thing just crumbled while she was taking the extra leafs out. "It was the damnedest thing!!!"
At this point, my brother and I -- having learned that the ass whooping armistace did NOT apply to Christmas Day -- used the distraction to quickly sneak away to a remote part of the house to laugh our asses off!!! You see, unbeknownst to our Granny, she never actually broke the table; she'd only exposed a major flaw in the hasty repair job that my brother and I had fashioned a few weeks earlier after he broke the table while sitting on it to talk on the phone.
My brother and I did eventually tell her the truth, but not until years later when we had surpassed ass whooping age. To this day we still laugh about this one!!!
Over the years I've collected a ton of great Holiday memories, and only a few bad ones. I am hoping this Holiday Season will be packed with even more great memories for my family, your family, all my friends and everyone else who happens to read this.
-- Happy Holidays!!! From the Rage Page --
Here's someone who knows the holiday score...
My fucken brother-in-law, who sees the world through rose colored sunglasses, has decided to bring his spoiled brat kids up for Xmas this year! My wife has just recovered from having her breast cut-off, due to cancer, and chemotherapy! Her mother (who is also his mother) is dying in the fucking hospital. I'm a total wreck emotionally as well as my wife who doesn t realize it as much. My father in law is totally helpless, can t wipe his own ass. I'm on unemployment. And Mr. thoughtful from down south, decides to have xmas here with his fucking brats, so they can get even more spoiled and materialistic.
FUCK XMAS!!!
Got
a bitch you would love to share???
Send them to me and I'll post 'em right here!!!
filmguy@mindspring.com
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