SubUrban Legends
Some of the following suburban sagas are true, and some are nothing but bullshit. Only you can decide which are which...
This Month's SubUrban Tale...
Jeff S. -- The Stay at Home Dad
He fixes breakfast for his family, sees his wife off to work and his kids off to school. He's golfing by 9 AM, and he's chugging brew and clipping coupons on his back porch by noon, he's...
...A STAY AT HOME DAD!!!
God smiles on all of us from time-to-time, but rarely does he smile on us like he smiles on Jeff S. Jeff S. is a resident of Anytown, USA. He's truly a man's man. He works hard, plays hard, entertains the neighborhood mother's while their husbands slave at the office -- he's an honest-to-God stay at home dad!
A legend in the eyes of men everywhere and the frequent subject in the fantasies of all home room moms. He's got the body of Schwarzeneggar, the brains of Einstein, the heart of Beatty, the raw grit of Nicholson, the strength of Ferigno and the charm of Connery -- who needs Fabio when you got Jeff S. "Stay At Home Dad!"?
The ladies in the neighborhood say he's as big as a house and can lug 4 garbage cans, packed to the brim with soiled diapers, out to the curb in his underwear while drinking his morning coffee -- without spilling a drop! He's strong, he's sexy, he's versatile, he's got excellent balance and coordination -- he's a stay at home dad!
Jeff is often spotted walking his faithful canine companion "B.B.", an enormous German Shepard -Doberman-Rottweiler mix. She's a vicious hound that makes all the neighborhood dogs whimper when she so much as blinks. It has been said that when B.B. does her business, Jeff uses a huge snow shovel to scoop it -- with one hand! Dear lord! the man's a suburban Adonis!
When he golfs he breaks 100 -- every time! When he mows the lawn, don't blink or you might miss it -- he's that fast. He can wash all the clothes, clean the kitchen and install cable in every home in the neighborhood -- all before lunch! God bless him -- he's a stay at home dad!
When his family gets home, he feeds them. When it's the kids' bedtime, he tucks them in. And when it's time for love -- whoa!!! The neighbors used to think that what they heard after 9 PM on weeknights, and most anytime during the weekend was a pack of savage coyotes tearing a poor family of unlucky squirrels to shreds on the other side of the ridge -- but they know better now! He's a love machine! He's a stay at home dad!
People at work don't believe it, but -- God, do they love to hear the stories. Come Friday morning, when the week is nearing an end, they'll gather round the coffee machine and beg me -- "Pleeeeeese Brad! Tell us about that guy that gets to stay home everyday while his wife goes to work! Pleeeeeeeeeeese!"
I can't let them down. After all, they have to have a dream don't they? If they can't live it themsleves, this has surely got to be the next best thing. So I grant their request and I begin... "He's a big as a mountain..."
Yes! Woman want him and men want to be him. He's a true Urban Legend! He's Jeff S., resident of Anytown, USA. He's a Stay At Home Dad!
Artist Conception of Jeff S.based on eyewitness accounts...
Do you know of any urban legends? Tell me about them.